So, you and your spouse have agreed to work out the terms of your divorce yourselves. Great. Now you have to actually sit down and decide who gets what, how the money will work, and—if you have children—how you’re going to handle parenting. Where do you start?
First, take a breath. It may not be as complicated as you think.
Whenever possible, making these decisions yourselves gives you more control than handing everything over to a judge. A judge has to make decisions based on the law and the information presented in court. You and your spouse know your finances, your children, and your day-to-day lives much better than a judge ever could.
That doesn’t mean you have to stop being angry. Divorce is emotional, and that’s normal. But try not to let anger make your decisions for you. If you can’t sit down with your spouse for five minutes without walking out or losing your temper, you may need some time before you’re ready to negotiate.
Start With Your Priorities
Before you begin, figure out what actually matters to you. What do you absolutely need? What would you like to have? What don’t you really care about?
Maybe keeping the house is your top priority. Maybe you need enough money to get back on your feet. Maybe keeping the kids in the same school matters more than who gets the furniture.
Knowing your priorities makes it much easier to decide where you can compromise.
And be realistic. Divorce has a funny way of making perfectly intelligent people extremely passionate about a coffee table worth $75. Don’t spend thousands of dollars fighting over something that’s worth hundreds.
Keep It Practical
Decide how you’re going to have these conversations. Meet in person, talk by phone or video, or use email or text if that’s easier. Choose whatever gives you the best chance of having a productive conversation. If you meet in person, a neutral location may be better than somewhere loaded with relationship memories.
If things get heated, take a break. There is no prize for finishing your divorce negotiations in one sitting. Go for a walk, take a day or two, and come back when you’re both calmer.
Most importantly, don’t agree to something just because you want the divorce to be over. Don’t give up a legal right because your spouse is pressuring you or because you’re tired of fighting. If something doesn’t feel right, stop and get legal advice before agreeing to it.
Put Agreements in Writing
As you reach agreements, write them down. Don’t rely on “But you said you’d let me keep the house.” Make sure you both understand exactly what you’ve agreed to.
Before finalizing your divorce paperwork, give yourselves some time to review everything independently. Even a day or two can help you look at the agreement with a clearer head.
When You Can’t Agree
If you get stuck, ask yourself why. Are you protecting something important, or are you refusing to compromise because you’re angry? Are you asking for something because you need it, or because you want your spouse to give something up?
Sometimes your spouse really is being unreasonable. Sometimes you might be, too. Try to keep the bigger picture in mind. If you have children, you’re going to have to communicate with this person for years after the divorce is over. Learning how to communicate now can make your future a lot easier.
Consider Mediation
If you can’t reach an agreement on your own, mediation is another option before turning your divorce into a courtroom battle.
A mediator is a neutral third party who helps you identify disagreements and work toward a solution. A mediator doesn’t decide who wins, and generally cannot give either spouse individual legal advice. If you need advice about your legal rights, you can consult your own attorney while you’re negotiating or have an attorney review your agreement before you sign it.
Mediation can be less adversarial, less expensive, more flexible, and more empowering than litigation. Instead of having a judge decide everything for you, you and your spouse have a say in creating an agreement that actually fits your lives.
You can find a mediator through your local or state bar association, court system, an attorney, professional mediation organizations, referrals from friends or family, or an online search. Before hiring one, ask about qualifications, fees, family-law experience, and exactly what services are included.
Know When to Get Help
Doing your own divorce doesn’t mean you have to do absolutely everything yourself. You can consult an attorney about a specific question, have an agreement reviewed, or get help with a particular part of the process without necessarily hiring an attorney to handle your entire divorce.
If you’re thinking, “I don’t know if this is fair, but I just want this to be over,” stop. That’s a good time to get independent legal advice.
The goal isn’t to prove that you can do everything yourself. The goal is to reach an agreement you understand, can live with, and believe is fair to you and your family.